What is it With You and Women?
by DaughterOfStarlight
Summary: River grills the Doctor on his realtionship with past companions until Amy shows up drunk, weilding the embarassing power of squid kabobs and goodnight kisses. Just a bit of fun, Oneshot. Review or be exiled.


**Madness Ensues when River overstays her welcome on the TARDIS and Amy comes back quite elated from an Atlantean New Years Eve party. Doing my best to please, little lovelies, but if you don't review how shall I ever have the will to soldier on? Seriously, ya'll. **

**Maestro, cue music! Enjoy the show, ladies and gents.**

"What is it with you and women?"

The Doctor, who had been bouncing a rubber ball off a screen in the TARDIS, almost toppled out of his chair.

"Come again?"

River Song caught the ball as it went flying across the room, spinning The Doctor's chair round so they were face to face.

"I said, 'what is it with you and women?' "

The Doctor narrowed his remarkably blue eyes, his mop of hair shadowing them. "Clarify."

"Every time I show up you have some tart or other hanging all over you..."

"Some tart? River, those are my friends! And you, I might add, are essentaillay calling _yourself_ a tart. So there. End of discussion. Run along now." All this was said far too quickly as The Doctor hopped up and began fiddling with things on the TARDIS console which obviously didn't need fiddling with. River chased hhim around the console as he did his best to ignore her, setting lights to flasing and motors to humming.

"Why is it always girls then, huh? Why never a male companion? And how many times have I found them crying in your arms, kissing your face furiously and begging you not to leave?"

"Oh please," The Doctor scoffed. "That happened like once."

"Thrice!"

"Jeaulous, Miss Song?"

River began to join him in the rapid pushing of buttons and pulling of levers, stabalizing the ship which, when looked at honestly, was never meant to be flown by just one person.

"Not really," She said in that infuriatingly vauge and teasing voice of hers. "In my time I have you all to myself. I would just like to know, Doctor, for my own sanity: do these pretty damsels just fall into your lap, or do you actually try?"

He stopped suddenly, spinning to face her. His face was troubled; inquisitive.

"What do you mean? You know how I am, er, am not...Whatever. I never...engage. Never instigate, if that's what you're asking."

River laughed, tossing her wild blonde hair. "Truly? What about Martha, then?"

It was the Doctor's turn to laugh. "Martha was Martha!"

"And Donna?"

"Oh please. Donna was...Donna!" The TARDIS hit a bout of inter-dimensional turbelence and sent River flying backward. The Doctor, half expecting the jolt, braced himself on a metal bar and barely felt it. He barely glanced down at the flustered Dr. Song. "Do get up, River. We've got to pick Rory and Amy up from that Atlantean New Year's Eve party before..."

"Rose," River said defiantly, pulling herself to her feet.

A shadow fell across The Doctor's face, and his hand hovered over a keyboard, suspended in mid-air.

"You just don't drop subjects, do you River?" He asked quietly, refusing to look at her.

"I learned tenacity from you, Doctor."

"Rose..." He said, savoring the syllable on his tounge. "...Isn't a part of this conversation. Here we are then!"

Landing the TARDIS loudly, the Doctor pressed a button which opened the main doors, then sank into a nearby chair and steepled his fingers in a Sherlockian way. River watched him drift into deep thought and sighed. She had set him off thinking again...

"We're baaaaaaaaack!"

The voice, very gleefull and mostly drunk, belonged to Amy, who flounced through the front doors swathed in plastic casino jewlry and holding a squid kabob. "I LOVE ATLANTIS!"  
Amy began to spin around, humming an Atlantean drinking song, and Rory stepped into the TARDIS with a silly grin on his face.

"Doctor! River!"

This seemed to snap The Doctor out of his own head and he smiled broadly as Rory ascended the steps to the TARDIS console. "How was the party, Rory?"

"Oh, bang up! There was an antigravity chamber and everything." Amy's cackling echoed in the background and Rory gave a sheepish attempt at a smile. "Amy's a bit...Well, there was an open bar, y'see..."

"Oh, I definetly see."

"I should probably get her to bed, then..."

"Please," River snorted. "You're not her nurse-maid. Go to sleep, Rory. She can't hurt herself here."

Rory gave it a mulling over, then nodded. "I suppose so. Amy, honey? I'll be turning in now."

Amy gave him a sloppy wave and a nod, then began reciting a Walt Whitman poem to herslef in the reflection of a porthole. This went on for a while moment more until, with Rory gone, Amy skittered over to River and the Doctor.

"I do love parties," She slurred, polishing off her squid kabob. "And that was th'best one of me life!" She uncerimoniously sat down in The Doctor's lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. "It's like this y'see. I love me some Rory, but he's such a DRAG at parties. Did you know th'entire city o' Atlantis is underwater? I didn't."

The Doctor squirmed, tring to push her off his lap as kindly as possible. "You know what? I did know that. Tell you what, Amy, why don't you run along to bed..."

She took his face sollemly in her hands, looking all of a sudden very grave. "You are the most exceptional man I have ever know. You're an alien, for Chrissakes!"

"Yes, Amy, I'm Gallifreyan..."

"Don't try to seduce me, Doctor I'm a married woman!" She handed him her kabob stick. "Here. Lil' present. Now, I have to be off to bed, because I fear that if I stay up a moment longer I won't be able to remember my name in the morning. Goodnight kiss?"

The Doctor opened his mouth to protest, but Amy aswered for him. "Alright, goodnight kiss."

Then she pressed her mouth to his very sweetly, an innocent albeit very intoxicated kiss. And with that, she stumbled out of his lap, saluted River, and strolled off to her bedroom, whistling the national anthem. The Doctor, still stunned, had not a word to say. River pointed off in the direction in which Amy had exited.

"And that? What about that?"

"Aw River, she's a bloody kissogram! And a drunk kissogram at that! Don't you ever drop things?"  
"Nope," River replied, standing with a mischevious smile. The Doctor waved her away, done with her questions for a night.

"Go home, River."

"I suppose I ought to," She said, strolling towards the still-open door. "I need to go back to my own time and check up on our child."

This time, the Doctor did fall out of his chair, hitting the floor with a heavy thud and a horrified expression.

"Child?"

River luaghed blithely, slipping out into the night. "Just keeping you on your toes, Doctor. Just keeping you on your toes..."

**Fun, yes? I can haz review?**


End file.
